A night out at Spencer Estate
by Cordis
Summary: Rated R for Language, just a bunch of crap I threw together and thought would be funny. read at your own risk.
1. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, places or things from resident evil. They all belong to capcom and other involved companies. This is just for the enjoyment of others.

Ok I know I should be working on my other story now but me and my friends have been joking about resident evil 1 for too long and I decided to waste both my time and your time to put together this stupid boring fic that's supposed to be funny. Well if you dare, here's my stab at humor. 

****

A NIGHT OUT AT SPENCER ESTATE

Chris walked down the mansion hallway. The carpet was bright crimson. He had been trapped in this mansion for hours and he was beginning to wonder if they would ever make it out of here alive. He checked his handgun and saw that he only had 10 more bullets left. 

"Damn! Why do I always get the gay weapons anyway? I mean come on Jill gets to run around with a Fucking Grenade launcher, a shotgun, a handgun and a fucking magnum! All I get is this sissy ass little shit that takes 20 bullets to kill one fucking zombie. This sucks." 

Chris sighed in self pity and continued to walk down the hall. 

****

Elsewhere in the mansion, Jill and Barry had just discovered the body of a dead Zombie after Barry had shot it with his Magnum.   


"What is this?"

"I don't know Barry." Jill replied retardidly. I mean it looks like a Zombie and it smells like a zombie and… ya know if I just took one teeny weeny lil bite, I bet you it tastes like a Zombie too!"

"But… What is this?"

"It's a dead Zombie Barry, but I just like saying I don't know cause the translators really screwed up our lines for the game."

Barry looked at Jill like confused child. "What is this…"

"I just told you Barry. It's a dead Zombie."

Barry knotted his face up in thought. Then after a moment… "What is this…?"

Now Jill was starting to get pissed off. "Damnit BARRY IT'S A ZOMBIE OK?!?! A DEAD FUCKING ZOMBIE! WITH FUCKING BLOOD COMING OUT OF ITS FUCKING MOUTH!"

Barry's lower lip began to tremble at Jill's harsh screaming. "I'm sorry Jill, I only wanted to know what it was. You didn't have to get all loud and stuff."

Jill was now totally pissed off. "Look Barry why don't you just go into a different room ok? I mean even if you do, if I tried to follow you, you wouldn't be there. How the hell do you move so fast anyway?"

"Ha ha ha, well Jill that's easy I-… uh… ummm now that you mention it… I … don't … know…"

Jill simply rolled her eyes! "Fine! Whatever. Lets just get the hell out of here and finish this stupid fic huh?"

However much to Jill's dismay Barry just stood there.

"Now what is it?"

Uh Jill this may not really be a good time but…"

"YES???"

Barry turned his eyes back to the dead zombie. "What is this?"

"DAMNIT BARRY!!!!!"

****

Meanwhile in another part of the mansion…

"UUUHHHHHH…. 'cough' 'couch' UHHH WAAAAAA"

"Ha" Rebecca screamed as she ran around spraying mace in the zombie's faces. She was starting to have fun but she became very bored then decided to play hide and seek with the zombies. 

"Come on get me! I'm in here!" Rebecca cried as she playfully ran into a storage room. She saw a key on the floor but thought nothing of it and threw it out of the room and closed the door. 

****

CLICK

"UHHNNNNN…"

Rebbecca jumped at the new sound 

"Yikes"

Lying on the floor in front of her was a Zombie with big gooey eyes staring at her with its tongue stuck out and saliva dripping from its mouth. 

"UUUHHHNNNN… DEEEE'SSSSSS…"

"What the fuck?!?!?"

"UHHH,…. BBBBAABBBBBYYYYY…"

"AAAAAAAAAA" Rebbecca screamed as she ran to the door. However as she turned the nob she realized her folly. She had stupidly locked herself in.

"uhhh…. Opps"

****

Back at the upper floors of the mansion…

"MMMRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!"

Chris cringed as he heard the faint voice of a Zombie locked away in the room adjacent to him. 

"Holy Cornchips! There's a Zombie in that room!"

Chris slowly crept forward but immediately jumped back and cried out like a little girl when he heard the Zombie cry out again. 

"UUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh Jeez!" Chris said squinting his nose. "Those Zombies need to use deodorant!"

"UUUUUURRRRRRRRRRAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Chris cringed even further. That Zombie must be in pain. I better put him out of his misery. Chris cocked his handgun and rammed his foot at the door. 

"OUCH!" He screamed as he bounced back from the door and fell on his butt. 

"Damned vynal wood." 

Chris stood back up and slowly turned the nob. The door gently creaked open. 

"UUUURRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At the sight of the Zombie, Chris immediately turned his head away and threw up! 

****

BARF 

"OH GOD!"

"UUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" 

Chris slowly turned his face back towards the Zombie. "Why do I always get the gross jobs." 

The Zombie in front of Chris was agonizingly perched on top of a toilet violently constipated. "UUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Shit man there's nothing I can do for ya! Lay off the cheese and milk!"

"UUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

"what?"

"UUHHH…"

"Toilet paper?"

"UHHH HUUUU"

"Why should I? What's in it for me?"

"UUUHHHHMMMMM….."

The Zombie then pulled out a bunch of naked pictures of Jill from its trench coat. 

"UHHH?" It asked meekly.

Chris eye's bugged out. 

"Holy shit! Where did you get those?" 

"UUUHHH … HEHEHEHEHEHE…."

"Ok, ok ill find you damn toilet paper. You just better fork em over when I get back."

"UHH HUU"

And so Chris is off to find the sacred Zombie toilet paper. Meanwhile Rebbecca is locked in a storage room with a horny Zombie lying on the floor. And Jill is still cussing Barry out cause he still has no idea what 'this' is! Well that's it for my stupid retarded little toilet humor fic. I know I know. I suck. So anyway I hope you all at least find an interest in ripping this piece of crap apart in the reviews. Thanks for reading anyway!

-Cordis 


	2. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: I own none of the resident evil characters, places or things. They all belong to Capcom and other involved companies. I own none of them. I'm simply writing this for the enjoyment of others.

Well look at me! Here I am writing yet another piece of this trash. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess ill just have to finish this stupid thing and be done with it. Well, as before, read at your own risk.

****

A NIGHT OUT AT SPENCER ESTATE

PART 2

Jill and Barry had been walking around for what seemed like hours. Jill had finally managed to get Barry to stop asking what things were but she knew that that was only a temporary solace. They are now walking into a new room they hadn't investigated yet.

"WOW!" Barry said as he entered the room. 

"What is it?" Jill asked, as she trailed a few feet behind him. She immediately scolded herself mentally for her mistake. 

"A dinning room!" Barry replied surprisingly. Jill breathed a sigh or relief at that.

"Whew."

"Wait a minute! I've found something! …What is this!"

"Damnit Barry! It's a table!"

"No, I mean what is 'THIS'!?!"

"GOOD GOD BARRY! Put that thing away right now! And pull your pants back up! And on a more personal note, if we survive this, I would go see a doctor about that 'green' anomaly if I were you!"

Barry flinched at Jill's advice but slowly nodded his head. 

"Look Jill, you scout ahead and see if you can find anymore clues. I'll be examining 'this'."

"Uhh.. yeah sure. Whatever floats your boat Barry." Jill said as she nervously inched her way out of the room, wanting to be as far away from Barry as he 'explored' himself, as possible.

****

Meanwhile Chris was still on his journey for the Zombie toilet paper. 

"Hmmm… Now where could it be…" 

As he walked down into the third floor he saw dozens of zombies oddly rubbing their eyes for some reason. 

"Hmm… must be pink eye. I better stay away from them."

Then Chris saw the storage room and made his way to that. Chris cringed as her heard weird noises from within. 

"UUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……"

****

SPLOCK

"OOOHHHHHHH!!!!"

Chris opened the door cautiously, not knowing what to expect. 

PSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"OH GOD NOOO!!!! SOMEONE PISSED IN MY EYES!!!!"

When he finally realized it wasn't piss he calmed down slightly but was still panicking.

"WHOA SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! WHAT IS IT?"

Rebecca saw her mistake once she saw it was a human. "Oh, oh no! Oh well I don't really give a damn anyway. You had it coming, sneaking up on me like that."

Chris was still wiping his eyes. 

"Damnit! What the fuck are you doing with mace anyway? That shit can't do anything to Zombies. All it does is pisses them off. How the hell did you manage to survive this long with that shit anyway?"

"Well… that's not all I used."

Chris gave her a curious look. 

"Oh? And what else did you use then?"

"This!" Rebecca said, proudly holding up the tip of her shoe which was now covered in blood. In the distance Chris saw the sprawled out form of a dead Zombie with its nether regions caved in.

Chris shuddered then began to back away from Rebecca and her boot of justice. "Uh I think I'll leave now. Heh heh heh…"

"No wait! I want to come with you!"

"Oh God…"

****

Deep within a dang dark 'evil person's' part of the mansion, Wesker watched from afar as the stars made their way though the mansion.

"Ha ha ha, Soon I will destroy the Stars! Ha ha ha! And then I will finally achieve my life time dream! A chance to be on Jerry Springer and see all those naked chicks! Ha ha ha!"

****

RING RING

"Huh?"

****

RING RING RING

"Uhh… Hello?"

"Hi! Yeah Can I get one large pizza, extra cheese, pepperoni, mushrooms, black olives,-"

"Hey hey! Who the fuck do you think I am? I'm trying to plan a diabolical scheme here! I'm very busy! Leave me alone!"

"…Ok… Sooo… uhh can I order now?"

"What the fuck?!? This isn't a fucking Pizza restaurant you jackass! So just fuck off!"

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry alright? Look I know how hard it is to get pepperoni toppings at this time of the night so ill just go with the black olives, mushrooms, and-"

"What the hell is wrong with you? This isn't a pizza joint! I don't have pizza's here! This is a fucking mansion you dipshit! With lots and lots of killer fucking Zombies! So just FUCK OFF!"

"… Ok…bye."

****

CLICK

"Damn no good dumbasses…"

Wesker walked back to his desk to continued monitoring his former comrades, still slightly peeved over the phone call. 

"Now lets see if I can-"

****

RING RING RING

"Damnit!"

"Hello"

"Hi, I'd like to order one large pizza with extra-"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST TELL YOU?!?!? I DON'T HAVE PIZZA'S HERE! THIS IS SPENCER ESTATE!"

"Ooook… Riiiiiiight… So anyway, you deliver right?"

"HOLY FUCKING HELL!!!!!!! LISTEN TO ME YOU DUMBASS! NO PIZZA'S! UNDERSTAND??? NO TOPPINGS! NO DELIVERIES! NO FUCKING PEPPERONI! THIS IS A MANSION!!!!!!!!!"

"Hmmm… ok so your saying you don't sell pizza's right?"

"YES!!!!!!"

"And no more pepperoni huh?"

"RIGHT!!!! NO MORE!!! ALL GONE!"

"Umm,hmm well in that case let me just get your three cheeser crazy bread please."

"AAHHHRRRRR THAT'S IT!!!!!! IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!"

****

CLICK

And with that, Wesker put on his trademark 'badass' glasses and goes off to pursue this pizza caller. 

Well now, will Wesker destroy this innocent pizza caller? Will Chris be able to protect his manhood from the wrath of Rebecca's boot of fury while at the same time be able to find the toilet paper? And what's with Berry? Will he ever find a cure for his malady? 

Ok I know this one was bad! Sheesh I'm sorry I had good Idea's in the beginning then I kinda lagged off a little bit. Well, as always I'm free for comments and ridicule in my reviews. I promise I'll try to come up with something very funny for the next installment. Thanks for reading.

-Cordis


	3. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: All Resident Evil, characters, places and things all belong to Capcom and other involved companies. I own none of them. This fanfic is purely for the fun and enjoyment of others and myself. I make no money from it. 

Well here we have it! My third chapter to this fanfic. Sheesh, this is way longer then I originally thought it would be! But it seems that people like it (yaaaay!!!!! J ) so that makes me happy. Well anyway, on with the show.

****

A NIGHT OUT AT SPENCER ESTATE

THE THIRD PART

Jill walked aimlessly through an abandoned corridor. As she looked at the walls she saw a huge collage of all kinds of different paintings. 

"God, what ugly taste." 

She opened the door to a nearby room and entered. It was empty but lead to another door. She walked up to that one and opened it. Her eyes widened at the furnishings of this room. 

"Wow now this is what I call living!"

She examined the room more then smiled in glee as she saw the huge Shotgun resting on the wall. 

"FUCK YEAH!"

She anxiously ripped the weapon away from the wall and heard a loud noise. 

****

SLOOMP

"…? Hmm * sniff * * sniff * Well it wasn't me…"

She shrugged and hoisted the gun over her shoulder. She looked around the rest of the room and found nothing important. Just a bunch of stupid stuff. A watch. A box of cigars. A can of beer. A glass show piece. A bottle of pills labeled Hemorrhoid Killers. And a jar full of candy. She sighed in annoyance then headed for the door. She absently pocketed the Hemorrhoid pills and left the room.

****

CLICK

"…? This time I'm positive it wasn't me!"

Suddenly the walls began to creak down. She looked up and ran for the door.

****

CLINTCH

The door was locked. 

"Oh my God! What did I do! I can't die now! I'm too young to die! Besides, I haven't slept with Chris yet! Oh I can't die!"

****

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"…?"

__

"JILL ARE YOU IN THERE?" Came Barry's voice from behind the door.

"Oh thank God! Barry! Help me please! The doors stuck!"

__

"DID YOU TRY THE KNOB?"

"???… What the fu-" Jill held back a biting response. "…Yes Barry, I tried the knob already! Maybe that's why I'm having trouble OPENING THE GODDAMN DOOR!"

__

"HMM…. OK. WELL MAYBE ITS STUCK."

Jill couldn't hold it any longer. "NO SHIT SHERLOCK!"

__

"HANG ON JILL. IM GOING TO BREAK THIS DOOR DOWN."

Jill stood back. Suddenly.

****

BOOOOOM! 

BOOOOOM! 

BOOOOOM!

"That's it Barry! I think its giving way!"

****

BOOOOOM!

BOOOOOM!

…………..

"Barry? Barry what's wrong?"

__

"OWW-HOO-HOO-CH!"

"Barry what is it?"

__

"…I GOT A SPLENTOR…"

"What?!? Barry just open the damn door!" 

__

"BUT IT HURTS!"

"Barry I really don't give a flying fuck right now! Just open the fucking door!"

__

"… I DON'T KNOW…"

"Look Barry, you almost had it last time! Just keep it up!"

__

"…….. HMMMMM THE LAST TIME I HEARD THOSE LINES WAS WHEN ME AND MY WIFE WERE HAVING-"

"BARRY!!!!!!!!! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR RIGHT FUCKING NOW GODDAMNIT!"

__

"…SEE, NOW YOUR CURSING…"

"FUCKING HELL BARRY!!!… Look I'm sorry I cursed Barry. Just please open the door?"

__

"…. LOOK IM SORRY JILL BUT THIS IS A REALLY PAINFUL SPLINTOR I GOT HERE. I HAVE TO TREAT IT OR I MIGHT GET AN INFECTION…"

"BARRY!!!"

__

"I'LL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS JILL. DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL FIND A WAY OUT SOMEHOW."

"…Look Barry… when I was in that room I found an issue of Playboy! You want to see it don't you?"

__

"SORRY JILL, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK!"

"Ok, ok you're right Barry… it wasn't an issue of Playboy… uhh… It was an issue of… uhh…Wild Hot Monkey Mating Madness…?"

__

………………..

"Uhh Barry…?"

****

BOOOOOOOM!

BOOOOOOOM!

BOOOOOOOM!

"Yeah! that's the way Barry!"

****

BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!

Suddenly the door came crashing down. Jill dashed right out of it as the wall finally slammed down onto the floor. 

Jill was panting hard as she lay on the floor looking at what might have become of her. 

"Are you ok Jill?"

She glared up at Barry. "You jackass sonofabitch! You almost got me killed back there! What the hell were you thinking?!?"

"…I know… I'm sorry Jill. I feel ashamed of myself."

"Well you should feel fucking ashamed of yourself you stupid piece of dog shit!"

Barry turned his face away in sadness. 

Jill sighed violently. "Look, come on. Lets just go and look around some more so we can get the hell out of this fucking hell hole!"

Barry nodded and began to follow her. "Uh … Jill?"

"WHAT???"

"So umm… like… I guess you don't have that magazine then huh?"

"GODDAMNIT BARRY!!!"

****

Chris and Rebecca had been searching the mansion for hours. Every time Rebecca would look away, Chris would make sure he was 'securely protected' in case he said something to piss her off. Behind her back, Chris had snuck into a dark lit room. 

"Hmm what is this place?" Chris wondered aloud.

He slowly walked around examining everything and began his search for the toilet paper once more. He pushed aside a huge shelf but the only thing he found was a pamphlet of music notes. 

"Hey wait a minute!" A thought occurred to him!

"These could pass as toilet paper. Maybe a little on the rough side but hey…"

he began to exit the room when suddenly the door creaked open. Rebecca entered the room standing directly in front of him. 

"Is that you Rebecca?" 

Rebecca closed her eyes in frustration. "What the hell does it look like dumbass!? I'm standing right in front of you, you stupid shit!"

She looked at his hands and saw the music notes. 

"Oh what's that?"

Chris began to sweat. "Uhh these? Heh heh heh, oh nothing important. Just a stupid music book. Heh heh heh."

"Music book!?! I love music books! And look right over there! It's a huge piano!"

"Oh God…"

Rebecca yanked the book from Chris hands and flipped through it rapidly. "Ahh the Moonlight Senata!"

"Uhh… can you play?"

"Yeah! When I was younger my father use to have a prostitute around the house all the time. Well when he was at work he would have her baby sit me." She said happily.

Chris was horrified. "The fuck?!? What the hell kind of a house hold did you grow up in?"

Rebecca ignored his statement and continued. "Fortunately, she was good at piano's and taught me how to play! What? Do you think I suck or something?"

Chris stared fearfully at her boot. "Uhh… heh heh no no of course not!"

"Good then you won't mind if I play!"

Rebecca set the music notes down on the shelf of the piano and started to play. Immediately, a huge ruckus of horrendous music followed. Chris ground his teeth. 

"Wow this is cool!" Rebecca replied enthusiastically. "I could play this all day!" 

"Oh God nooooo!!!!" Chris screamed in agony. 

Rebecca relentlessly continued. 

"What the hell is that noise?" he screeched in pain. "I didn't know anything could sound that bad!"

She continued to play. 

"Ok that's it! You can stop now!" he yelled but she continued heedlessly. 

Rebecca couldn't hear him over her incessant blare. Suddenly, to his relief she stopped. "Heh heh heh, sorry I haven't practiced in a while. But hold on I'll get it." 

Once again, she started up, and once again, Chris found his ears pumping blood from the hideous screeching noises of her horrendous music. 

"REBECCA, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!" Chris yelled at the top of his lungs. She continued playing.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Chris roared in agony and rammed his head through a glass wall to blot out the sounds. It didn't work. Finally he pulled out his handgun and aimed it at Rebecca. "I'm sorry." He whispered then pulled the trigger and fired.

****

BLAM BLAM

TINK TINK…

Rebecca continued to play as the bullets bounced right off of her. 

"What the fuck?!?"

She continued merrily as if nothing happened.

Chris fired again and again nothing happened. 

Rebecca started to play louder as she suddenly got into her god awful melody. 

"SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Chris fell to his knees and crawled towards the door. Forcefully he yanked it open and ran outside. 

Once outside, he thrust his back against the wall, panting heavily. "Good god… What the hell is she…?"

****

Wesker had finally reached his destination. He had finally tracked the message to a far off house near the end of the city. The closer he got to the house, the more pissed off he became. Slowly he approached the door.

****

GRRRRRRR……..

"Eh?"

****

BARK BARK BARK

"Oh hell!"

Standing in front of him was a huge pit bull with fang-like teeth. Wesker pulled out his hand gun and aimed it at the dog.

****

BLAM BLAM BLAM

………….* cough * * cough * ………

"The hell?"

****

BLAM BLAM

…………

"Stupid damn mutts."

He walked up closer to the door. 

****

SPLUNK

"Huh? Ahhh fuck!"

Wesker slowly pulled his foot up out of a mountain of dog shit. "Son of a bitch!"

He walked up to the doorstep, completely pissed off now. 

****

CRASH

Suddenly Weskers foot went crashing through the floorboard of the porch!

"AAHHHH FUCKING HELL! Demon house! Spencer Estate is not as bad as this place! SHIT!"

He vaguely felt wet droplets hitting his head. He looked up, surprised that it would be raining. Instead, he found that a couple of kids were spitting on him. 

"Ahhhh you little shits! What the hell is wrong with you people!?! SHIT!"

He swiftly ripped his leg up out of the porch and marched towards the door. He pulled out his fist and banged as loud as he could. 

"Open up you bastards!"

A small voice monitor slowly came to life on the side of the door.

"Hello?"

Wesker fired his gun into the air to scare them and get their attention. 

****

BLAM

"Now open your doors you son's of bitches!"

****

THUMP

"? What the fuck?" Wesker turned around only to see that he had accidentally hit one of the kids trying to spit at him. 

"Wa-? What the fu-? Where the hell did he-?" 

He sighed heavily in exasperation then turned back towards the door. 

"AHHH FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!! THIS IS TOO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!"

He fired at the doorknob then swung it open. Wesker couldn't believe his eyes. (probably because of those damn shades) standing there right in front of him was none other then….

To be continued! Heh heh heh

Ok that's another chapter to my fanfic finished. Sorry It took so long but I've been kinda busy with my other fics. And thanks a bunch for all the reviews! I really appreciate them! Your all great! Well I promise to try and get the next chapter out a little earlier next time! Thanks for reading! J

-Cordis


	4. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: All Resident evil characters, places and things all belong to Capcom and other involved companies. I own none of it. This fanfic is purely for the fun and enjoyment of others and myself. I make no money from it.

****

A NIGHT OUT AT SPENCER ESTATE

CHAPTER 4

Once again we return to the world of survival horror. Most of which is coming from Jill's unfortunate pairing with Barry and Chris' tragic teamup with Rebecca. As the story unfolds once more we find that Jill and Barry have stumbled upon yet another mysterious room. 

"What is this?"

Jill turned red in the face and reach for her gun. "You stupid goddamned…" Then she noticed a set of papers in Barry's hand. She chewed back her anger if only momentarily 

"Barry what have you got there?"

"A Report." Barry scrounged up his face as he flipped through the pages.

"hmmm… MMmm Hmmmm…. Very interesting…"

Jill, was even more curious now. "Well? What does it say? What's in it?"

Barry quickly shut the report, his face turning beat red. "Uh, papers with writing on them."

Jill was once more beginning to become annoyed. " Look this isn't funny. What does it say?"

"Uh, a bunch of English letters with the title J.D. virus?"

Jill was now completely out of patience. "YOU STUPID MOTHERLESS FUCK! WHAT DO THE FUCKING PAPERS SAY BARRY!!"

"Uh, some stuff about, uh, I think, zombies or something."

"AND WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT ZOMBIES YOU STUPID ASSHOLE?"

He began to look up at the ceiling, nervously twitching his fingers. "Ummm, uh. . .Some pretty deep stuff. Sounds like important stuff too."

Jill messaged her temples rythmically then once again trained her eyes on Barry, this time talking to him as a mother would talk to a 3 year old child. " Listen…just pull the papers out… and fucking read them… to me… you fucking… waste… of sperm!"

Barry began to sweat profusely now. "well I don't know Jill… It's pretty gorey stuff…"

"BARRY!!!! HOLY FUCKING HELL!!!!!! JUST READ THE GODDAMNED REPORT YOU FUCKING BEARDED APE!"

Barry hesitantly pulled out the report then open it up to the first page. 

"…A- as… of now, ow…ou…our?…our an-ana- anal? no analysis… analysis is gu goo going…. Hmm… v…vvveee….hmmmm…. Wow this is some technical shit here!"

Jill sighed in patent disgust. "Let me guess,… You can't read can you?" 

Barry lowered his head in shame.

****

Chris continued roaming aimlessly across the hallways of the mansion desperately trying to seek solace from the horrendous blaring noises that continued to emminate from the piano room. Wiping his ears anxiously of the blood that continued to pour from them, he staggered around the next corner still clinging to his desperate hope of finding the toilet paper. Suddenly he heard a strange noise.

CRUNCH… CRUNCH… CRUNCH…

"What the hell?"

MMMMRRUUUUU….

Chris quickly looked around the corner and saw a zombie violently ripping the innards out of the body of one of his old dead S.T.A.R.S comrades. 

Chris was hysterical with rage at the ghastly sight. "You bastard!" 

He quickly pulled out his 9 mm handgun and prepared to fire when suddenly. 

"Oh thank god! You're human right? Thank goodness!"

Chris was completely taken aback. "What the fuck?"

"I've been trapped here for months! I'm so glad someone's finally come to save me! You don't know what kinds of horrors I've had to endure while trapped in this dreaded place. I was forced to eat this man or face starvation!"

Chris looked to the side and saw a basket of apples nearby. "Uhh… dude there's food right next to you…"

"Oh there is?? Oh thank god!" 

The man rushed over to the apples and began eating them rapaciously. 

"Hmm you know it just doesn't taste the same anymore… Once you go human you can never go back."

Chris was mortified by the very sight of the man. "What he hell is wrong with you!?… N- NO NO STOP BITING HIS ARM! LET GO! LET GO DAMNIT!"

Chris yanked the man away violently. "Get a hold of yourself! What's gotten into you?"

"Oh nothing! Ever since I was attacked and wounded by one of those zombies I just digested some of those magical leaves over there and everything became just fine."

"Magical leaves?"

"Yeah man! They've got the power to heal any wounds!"

Chris thought about that for a moment then remembered his bleeding ears. Being practical, Chris didn't want to walk around the mansion leaving his blood everywhere he went. Thus, seeing a great opportunity staring him right in the face Chris made up his mind. "Why the hell not. Hey fork over some of those magical leaves of yours why don't cha?"

The man glared at him suspiciously. "You don't know shit about the sacred herbs! You're not WORTHY!"

"What the hell?? Well this 9mm gun here says I'm worthy enough! What do you think?"

"Uhh… I think the herbs have just declared you worthy."

"That's all I needed to hear. Light it up pops."

__

::::::::::To Be Continued::::::::::

****

Author's note: _Ok I know what you're all thinking! What?? That's it??? Sorry about the shortness of this chapter and the huge time gap but I've been really cranking it with finals so I'm afraid I won't be able to extend the chapter any further then this for the time being but I hope to make the next chapter out soon. Oh and I haven't forgotten about Wesker. The person behind the door will be revealed shortly. Thanks for reading and sorry about the huge time delay._


End file.
